Aaron Silvers

I was listening to the [PennRadio](http://pennradio.com/) podcast on my way to work this morning, enjoying as I often do Penn Jillette’s rantings and anecdotes.   Today’s (well, yesterday’s) rant was on Gwyneth Paltrow and her remarks that the British are so much more intelligent than us Americans.   Well, some of you cretans *are* idiots.   But I’m in Mensa, so I have to be among the intellectual elite, even if I am weighed down on the culture chart because of my American fondness for 15-pound cheeseburgers.

At any rate, one of the things Gwyneth enjoys most about the British is that they  talk about  ”interesting and intellegent things” at dinner.   That’s probably true.   I know in Amsterdam, I felt like an idiot as everyone I talked to in coffee shops and bars (and Suzy and I talked to a lot of people for great lengths of time) could talk to the Arts, the history of other nations, science, politics with a wealth of history and real knowledge that my highly focused areas of knowledge just don’t cover.   So if they wanted to ever talk educational theory or how to make a web page, I’d *pwn* them (look it up at http://urbandictionary.com), but on every other topic I had to sit and just get high while paying attention and having their interesting and intelligent things echo in my cerebral cortex, which was kinda hollow at the time (I wasn’t in Mensa then).

But, now that Gwyneth has spoken up, I feel it’s my duty as an ass (not as an American) to point out chicks I know that are better than her:

1. Suzy – Suzy could totally kick Gwyneth’s ass in every category but vision (Suzy wears coke bottles).   Maybe acting, too.   Suzy’s not so artistically inclined, though since we’ve been together, she’s gotten a lot better at bullshitting, which is kinda like acting.

2. Karn – Karn *always* has something interesting to say.   If there’s a female who brings any conversation back around to what’s on her mind with as much bullish tenacity as I do with what’s on my mind… it’s Karn.

3. Dierdre – Have you ever been to a dinner party with Dierdre?   Let me clarify… have you ever been drinking with Dierdre?   Okay, eventually the intellgence factor goes out the window, but goddamn is it interesting.

4. Heather – Heather’s interesting because to listen to her now her political alignment is just a hair more conservative than me, but not much.   It’s interesting because she was such a raging conservative for so long when she was working for big pharma.   Now she’s a P.A.   Plus, Heather’s stubborn and a good arguer.

5. Sherry – Sherry could well be in Mensa if she took the test.   Plus, Sherry has the best social work stories I’ve ever heard.   I wish she could blog them, as it’d be the funniest blog I’d have ever read.

6. Megan – How many women do you know who could school your ass in sports?   Megan lives and breathes the Pirates in a way that make me ashamed of my lukewarm fandom for the Sox.

7. Judy (C.) – She’s dark, bitter and a bit evil.   She’s a little goth, but she’s over 30… so it’s professional goth.   And, she can school anyone I know in Hockey (including you, Bartles).

8. Ali – Ali knows EVERYTHING that’s going on in Chicago.   Wanna go to a play?   Ali’s seen it.   Wanna go to a game?   Ali has a hook-up.   Wanna know what shows are going on tonight?   Ali knows before you can text-message Google (message 46645 with your search words and Google will text you back with the results).   Ali also has great work drama, which is always fun to talk about.

9. Kevin Reed – Dude, he looks good in a dress, and he’s got a lot of funny things to say.

10. Selma Hayek – Even Suzy would have to give me a pass here.   She’s talented.   She’s damn sexy.   She’s tall.   She’s latina.   She’s got a hot accent.   She looks great with a boa constrictor.   She can sing.   She can dance.   There’s not one area  in which  Gwyneth shines that Selma Hayek does not kick her waifish ass.   Selma’s not from the US, but she is from the Americas, which makes her “American.”   I put her on the list, even if she might not have a lot of interesting and intelligent things to talk about at dinner.   Also, I don’t know her, but she goes on the list anyway.

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